Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
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I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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