She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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