I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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