I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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