I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
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I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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