Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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