3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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