Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
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I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
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well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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