so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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