I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Houston, we have a blender
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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