The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
