It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
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I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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