Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
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If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
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Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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