Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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