I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
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There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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