I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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