My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
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pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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