I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
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Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
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Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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