Soap is not a condiment
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize