I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize