omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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