you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
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the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
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I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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