Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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