Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
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Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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It's never too late to be topless.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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