A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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