his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
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chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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