Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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