Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
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Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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