That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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