i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
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My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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