the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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