Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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