I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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