I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
