so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
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I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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