So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize