it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize