He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a burrito and a hug.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize