you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
we're so committed to being not committed
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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