Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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