Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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