legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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