My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dicks are not precious.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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