Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
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I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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