A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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