don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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