Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
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Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
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I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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