Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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