the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
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24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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