i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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Did I show you my penis last night?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We're too hungover to prance.
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