Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The uberlube is also flammable
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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