Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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